Yo dont text me then not text me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
