Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize