writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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