I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
