Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
