Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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