Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
you never un-have a 4some
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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