i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
