i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
