if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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