i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
