it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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