Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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