You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
