he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
