So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize