my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
