I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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