I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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