My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
