I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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