I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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