happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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