i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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