i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
