In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
