Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
