I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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