My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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