how can u be prego again
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
