Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
