K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
