I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
