Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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