how can u be prego again
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
