i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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