I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
