Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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