not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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