I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
