I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
