who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize