Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
