Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize