They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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