I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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