Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
