I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
