do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
