Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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