remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
