Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize