i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
