If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
