quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
