note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize