If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
