Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
