My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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