I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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