I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
