I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
