i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
