She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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