My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
