I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize