I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
