Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
