So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
