so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
